On the Feast of the Holy Family, Part I

All the Christmases roll down toward the two-tongued sea, like a cold and headlong moon bundling down the sky that was our street; and they stop at the rim of the ice-edged, fish-freezing waves, and I plunge my hands in the snow and bring out whatever I can find. 

In goes my hand into that wool-white bell-tongued ball of holidays resting at the rim of the carol-singing sea. . .

-- Dylan Thomas, A Child's Christmas in Wales

When I read this passage to John about the abundance of snow in an idyllic childhood paradise, he asked "Where in Wales did Dylan Thomas grow up?  It snows here, like, one day a year."

Hiraeth, John, hiraeth.  ;)

It did, however, shed perpetual rain upon us like the end times on both Christmas and Boxing Day.  The two days there are no public transport.  We went nearly feral with stir-craziness.  Thank goodness things cleared up enough on Sunday to pack up quick as could be and shuttle off to Bangor.  I took Afon out for an extended walk over the straits to Anglesey and Church Island.

It didn't seem longer or farther than our custom of walking into Colwyn Bay from Old Colwyn, but it's taken me two days to recover.  My muscles are sore and my joints are aching and I've slept and slept almost incessantly since then.

These are all the photos I've developed for now.

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"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2015."

Afon:  on a windy morning at the bus stop on the way to school.

Roan:  sitting up in his bath, with suds on his chin!

Roan is still not crawling.  He much prefers to be on someone's lap than on the hard ground on his hands and knees and will wail and wail to be retrieved from such an insult.  He caught HFSD and now I suspect I have it, minus the gruesome-looking rash, plus the fibromyalgia aches.  At least November is my ideal month to be ill!

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"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2015."

Roan:  in his bath.  He still can't sit up properly, and I'm too nervous to get in with him because then we are both wet and slippery.  So I just lie him down in the warm suds, and he is such a good little fellow!

Afon:  he found something to chew on his shirt waiting at the bus top.  I like that shirt.  I do hope it lasts.

This past week feels like it has been rough, but honestly, everything is relative.  It's just that when I come down with a cold, I come down hard.  I feel pretty bad and that makes me stay in bed, which means the house gets out of order and I don't get fresh air and my mood plummets.  Also, Roan has caught my cold, and he has slept very poorly the past few nights.  He wants to sleep on top of me now like when he was a newborn, but he is much heavier.  Yesterday I woke up with the bones of my back moaning and my head pounding.

We turned it around with a pleasant visit with the grandparents, auntie, and cousin (pictures later in the week, I hope), and Afon has done remarkably well transitioning to school.  This morning, I am not too groggy or in pain.  Roan is sleeping off his cold, so I'm virtually weightless!  I've got the window open in the back room and am sitting with the lap top on the ledge and a cup of coffee and am feeling renewed in the fresh, cold Welsh morning.

How I'm managing my fibromyalgia now

I've been doing much better lately with my fibromyalgia symptoms, but a pre-virus flare-up left me stricken and wondering what exactly I'd been doing in the past few months to keep the beast at bay.

Although I've read that it takes a good six months for fibro suffered to bounce back after pregnancy and childbirth, I'd like to think I can credit a few well-executed self-care techniques for keeping me functioning.

I did give up gluten, followed by dairy, for a couple of months.  When I went back to eating those particular foods in late May and found that there was no apparent connection between them and my fibro symptoms, I decided not to cut them out again.

Still, avoiding so many foods meant I necessarily ate healthier things.  Bread and cheese and their next-of-kin meant weight gain and sluggishness, things undesirable in themselves but especially unhelpful when one already has an autoimmune disease.

The past month, I've been focusing on eating positively as well as negatively.  That means choosing deliberate foods instead of just avoiding them.  Using the Whole30 as my guidepost for yes-foods, I consider each addition before adding it.  So, I may have something with sugar in it (like a dollar sweet tea from McDonald's), but it's not sneaking in under the radar.  Being aware of it means that I have the control to actively choose and curate my diet around that it for the rest of the day.

But don't think that I'm depriving myself.  I'm focusing on meats, fruits, and vegetables, but I go for the gold, always getting my favorites.  I mean, if you have a meal you only sort of like, why eat it?  Then you'll definitely feel like you're missing out (and set yourself up for diet failure).  Instead, I keep coming back to old favorites I never tire of: salad with lots of onions, avocado, and tomatoes; juicy hamburgers, sans bun; and brothy soups with lots of veggies.

I've also become a religious napper.  I've always liked naps. craved naps, welcomed them like old friends . . . but I've never exactly scheduled them.  Now I take a nap nearly every day at the same time with Roan.  It helps that Afon is going to school, so there's a built-in schedule.  Also, Afon doesn't nap, so it's a little hard to sleep when he's here.

What I'm not doing--and would like to do next--is add regular, gentle exercise to my routine.  It's important for fibromyalgia patients to keep moving, even when it hurts because, "Exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people just don't shoot their husbands!"

What do you do to keep healthy and feel well?

#5Faves: Pictures I found in unpublished drafts

Count them, one, two, three, four, five.  My sister trying to whistle using a blade of grass.  Could she be any more hippie?

I can get absorbed for hours in looking through unpublished posts and re-discovering photos.  These were from May of several years ago: before Wales, before Roan, before working two jobs and being diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  But I'm not gonna say what you think I'm gonna say: that "everything has changed."  Not on the surface, anyway.  The rhythms and loves and the aspirations are the same as ever.  This sweet, sort of desperate attempt at daily living is still strived for, always not quite finished, always looking forward over the horizon to what tomorrow brings.

But I can definitely say that each day and each year I grow a little bit in peace.  And that's my favorite thing, by far.

Linking up with Jenna for {Five Favorites}.

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"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2015."

Roan:  Still waiting on that tooth.  Fussiness and drool overfloweth.

Afon:  Some lovely friends were in charge of him for two whole days while his father and I got some important things done.  This was the pic they took of him at the zoo.

I'm exhausted in every realm--spiritual, mental, physical--and at times close to despair.  We decided with the agreement of his doctor and therapist to send Afon on a little trip back to Wales with Daddy for a month or so, so I can try to improve my health, rest, and be prepared to hit the ground running again.

Lately, I've been paralyzed by anxiety.  Little kisses of grace are like the puffs of God doing CPR: a photographer friend gave us all the photos from our session at no extra cost; this gracious family took Afon some place where he is safe, understood, and has fun; people I respect looked me in the face and said, "You're a good mom."

5 Things Flannery O'Connor Taught Me About Chronic Illness

Or any illness.  Or just life.  I've been working with fibromyalgia for a while, but only recently have I known about it.  That's prompted some serious reflection about how I go about daily life; and, what is more, how my attitude can make or break the day.

Here are five things I learned about handling my chronic illness, from my muse Flannery.

1 // Keep doing what you're doing

When she was diagnosed with Lupus, Mary Flannery, the up-and-coming young author with a bright publishing future ahead of her, didn't stop writing.  It seems like a given, but I can't tell you how many times my thought processing has circled back around to "what am I going to do now?"   And the answer, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, has eventually come back to me clear as a bell: "Just keep doing what you're doing."

There may be days that I can't do it, or that I have to slow down, and projects will be delayed, and plans will be held off.  But if it's not a full stop period, I can keep doing what I'm doing; it'll just look a little different.

2 // Move home

Go where you're going to have help, where you're going to be most comfortable.  I guess for some people, this isn't even really an option.  So why not own it?  At the very least, you'll get a kick out of observing the natives.

3 // Indulge in what you love

Like raising peacocks.  Or, take a page from my book, and:

• read Flannery
• blog
• look up little known ethnic groups on Wikipedia
• draw up the family trees of imaginary dynasties
• go to Hobby Lobby and not buy anything
• make lists

I highly recommend any of these.

Doing something that you love is fortifying.  I think the self-help books and inspirational blogs have hammered that one home; at least I hope.

4 // Have a sense of humor

Flannery was born with a skewed since of humor all her own, and I think it really helped her through the difficulties in her life.  You'll find her sometimes in her letters express worry or sorrow but never self-pity.  I can only chalk it up to exceptional grace and a sense of humor.

5 // "I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing."

Amen.

Today

Feeling // Flu-ish, but I believe Roan and I have colds.  We went to the doctor and he has a 99.9º temperature, but his lungs sound clear.  So we are sitting the sweltering (non air-conditioned) bedroom and resting, while Grandmama plays with Afon.

Seeing // Internet shopping for "chewelry," chewing-safe jewelry for teething little ones and children with ASD.  So Afon stops eating his shoes (andeverythingelse).

Smelling // The rosemary essential oil I soak in in the tub for pain relief.  The smell alone relaxes me and eases some of the pain.  Added bonus, the oil leaves my skin feeling softsoftsoft.

Hearing // Loud cicadas and Roan's little sweet moans and soft kicking.

Tasting // Some gluten-free, dairy free comfort food, the awesome Enjoy Life! brand snickerdoodle cookies.

Watching // Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix.  I can't decide if I like it or not.  It's by Tina Fey and stars the familiar actresses, and sometimes it is funny, while other times it's just vulgar.  Sometimes I'll wade through the vulgarity if the humor is good enough.  30 Rock, as I remember it, wasn't too objectionable.

I'll tell you, though, the opening song is my FAVE now, and I've adopted it as the unofficial theme song to my life.  You know, if my life had a soundtrack.  I should get on that.

Reading // {Call Her Happy}--took me too long to find Jenna, and now I never miss a post!

Loving // These druzy gems from {Wren Jewelry}.

Blogging // I'm in a constant battle with the formatting of my blog(s) due to photo sizing.  I wish there were an easier way to achieve the size I wanted without having to individually re-size each photo.  I thought I had it worked out with "original size."  In my browser, the blog template scales it down to fit the blog width without losing all the detail.  But a friend on Firefox informed me that they were loading waaaaaay too big for her.  So apologies if my photos have been eating your internet.  :/  Not cool.  I'm working on resizing so everybody wins.

Hoping // To get some more things uploaded to {the shop} as soon as I'm feeling better.

Old at the age of 29

I was officially diagnosed on Monday with {fibromyalgia}.  I can't say I'm surprised, but at the same time . . . it is so alien to think of myself in terms of being ill.  I.  Have.  Fibromyalgia.  I have a chronic illness.  It will never go away, and I will have it for the rest of my life.  I am one of those people you read about in magazines or inspirational lifestyle blogs or who get interviewed on Oprah.

I am old at the age of 29.

At the same time, I don't really believe it.  I'm just sick?  For no reason?  How can I just accept this?  I have two children who need me, one who has autism.  I have so much I want to do and too much to offer.  Why would God make someone with all these potentialities and then hold her back?

Then I think, I should come to terms with the fact my life is going to have to be different than I always hoped it would be.  That I'll have to turn down trips and visits and experiences.  That I'll have to let go of hobbies and vocational aspirations.  It's humbling; and it is good for me to practice surrendering to God's will.  But--

But.

I don't want to lie down and take it first without a fight.  I have to be sure, otherwise what am I giving up?  If it turned out that there was a misdiagnosis, or that I could have done something to ease my symptoms or put them into remission, why would't I attempt that?  That's just asking to grow a secret garden of regret.

So what is the next step?

It's going to be a slow process.  Hours, weeks of logged research, money spent on books and food, and the emotional strain of going after doctors and putting myself out there for ridicule and criticism. It's overwhelming, to say the least.  There's tons of information out there; I'll have to sift through what is genuine and what is fad, what is right for me versus right for other people.  Not looking forward to that.

Here's where I'm starting:

• {70 Ways to Be a Hippie}
• {The Autoimmune Protocol vs. Other Healing Diets}
• {28 Days of AIP}
• {Daily Detox Salad}
• {About the Wahls Protocol}

As you can see, an already intimidating list.  I don't even know where to begin.  Advice?

'Cause I'm too young to feel this old.